


Patience is the Virtue

by sunflorah



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Balance in the force, F/M, Gotta have patience, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Post TLJ, Romance, Slow Burn, The Last Jedi - Freeform, canon sort of, so does Rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 02:00:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13847703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflorah/pseuds/sunflorah
Summary: Set directly after the Battle of Crait, post TLJ. Rey and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo finally speak to one another again via force connection. They begin to understand one another by looking into their respective past psychological abuse. They slowly realize they want the same thing. Balance. Slow burn. You know what will come eventually. Adults only, you have been warned.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapt. 1  
______________________________

“You had everything I didn’t have. You had everything I ever remembered wanting to have as a child. You had what I still want today. So why? Why would you give that up?”

He looked at her, expressionless. His gloved hand that had been stretched out towards her sunk to his side. 

She waited for his answer. After a few moments she persevered. 

“You cannot even say anything. Do you even know why?” 

Tears burned in her eyes. Her throat fluctuated between feeling too tight, then too loose. Her breath started to hitch and she bit her tongue to try to stop the sounds escaping her throat. 

“They loved you...” She hissed out, “And you betrayed them! You killed your own father and left your mother alone to mourn her husband and her son!”

He still watched her intensely. The corners of his mouth twitched slightly at the mention of his mother, but his face remained expressionless.

The tears flowed down her face, she couldn’t stop them. She felt furious and confused. Han was the closest thing to a father she had ever had. She observed the man seated in a throne in front her with disgust. The force continued to connect them as if to remind her of her loss of both Han and Ben. She had felt so sure after they fought the Praetorian guards that he turn to the light, and turn to her. She felt true understanding with him before his proposition, then her hope diminished exponentially. How could she have ever thought them to be similar?

“You speak to me as if I know nothing.” 

His voice sounded sharp and cold. 

“Everyone has spoken to me like that. As if they know more about me and my life than I do. As if they know what choices will benefit me more than I can know what to choose. My mother, sensing the force inside me, thinking she knew what my life would turn into, thinking she was some fortune teller who could predict my future. I knew she didn’t trust me. She couldn’t trust me. Han Solo couldn’t trust me either. From the moment I was born I was following the same hokey religion as his lover. One that separated him from her, and separated him and I.”

Rey felt frozen, she couldn’t tear herself away from his gaze. She felt an ache beginning in her stomach that rose to meet her anger.

“Even with parents I felt alone. I could feel their distrust, but I was too young to understand it. They didn’t look at me like a son. I was a ticking bomb in their wake.” 

He stopped for a moment and looked down at his gloved hands. Rey thought she could see his mouth twitching again. 

“When they told me I was leaving to study the ways of the Jedi with Luke, I felt elated. I hoped he would look at me differently. I hoped I would meet fellow students who experienced a similar connection to the force that I had, so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

“At the same time, I also knew that underneath this rouse of jedi camp they wanted to be rid of me. They were afraid of my raw talent. They wanted to control me, so I wouldn’t turn away from the light. They tried so hard to control their vision of my future they convinced themselves I would fall into. They tiptoed around me. Nothing was explained. They feared what I could become so severely, that they failed to see who I actually was in that moment.” 

He turned away from her. His voice had progressively become softer and softer as he continued to speak, and at the end he seemed surprised to have shared so much. His hands had clenched into fists on his lap.

Her thoughts broke free before she could stifle them. A boy looking for acceptance and love from his mother and father.

If he had heard her thoughts he did not seem to react to them, though Rey noticed the slightest flush on his cheeks.

“... Ben-“

His head whipped up at her utterance of that syllable. His eyes hot again. 

“Don’t call me that. Don’t ever call me that again. He has died, along with his parents.” 

Rey felt twinges of shame at her earlier assumptions, sadness for his past, and a strange compassion that simmered beneath it all. But she still had reservations. 

“I don’t believe that,” she said sternly, “Ben is still alive in there. No matter how hard you try to push him out.”

She remembered what Luke had told her about Ben’s past with Leia and Han, the comments he made seemed to fall in line with what Kylo had just told her.

“Are you fact checking my past with what my uncle said about me?” He had stood up from the throne and strode over to her with an agile swiftness and speed. “You’re putting your trust into a man who lied to your face, who lied to himself so he wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of his regret. A man who assumed he already knew everything about me, no better than my parents.”

He loomed over her, only an arms length separated them. Rey refused to feel intimidated, but couldn’t stop her hands from trembling. She forced herself to stand up straighter and met his gaze with equal intensity. 

“He made a mistake.” She said fiercely. 

Kylo grimaced further. “So all is forgiven then?” He shook his head and smirked lightly, mocking her. “Is that it? You think it is that easy? I just need to forgive and forget then my soul will finally be saved? All of a sudden their actions have no ramifications? I was the insolent one all along?” 

His voice grew louder and louder with each question. He sounded as though he could spit from his fury. Rey felt herself begin to shake, but she didn’t step back from him. 

He leaned down towards her, their faces a foot apart. She heard something hit the ground but she didn’t dare break her gaze from his face. His voice rang in her head. 

I will show you.

They connected. Kylo gloveless hand had grabbed hers tightly. Rey could see everything. She saw in great detail Luke menacingly crouched over her, the green glow that illuminated his face seemed to turn him into an entirely different creature. In his eyes she saw fear, hatred, betrayal, but above all else, certainty. She realized with terror that she was looking through Ben’s eyes, she was in his body, experiencing his own emotions of betrayal, shock and rejection. 

Then the environment shifted and she found herself standing outside the Falcon in one of the many forests on Takodana. She felt significantly shorter as she tumbled around in the grass. She ran around to the other side of the falcon and smashed into Han who was bent over an opened section of the Falcon with a wrench. She felt delighted to see Han again, so excited to see his face turn and look at her with that same stoical expression. The look of hesitation that crossed his features when their eyes met left her empty. She watched as Han emotionlessly looked up and down Ben’s small body and then brought his hand that held the wrench up and gave it a small wave. “Go on kid, I’m busy right now.” 

Again she was transported into a new memory aboard the Raddus. She had a plate with an untouched piece of bread on it in front of her, with a glass of green milk next to it. She sat at a table in the command room alone. How long had she been sitting here? Her back ached when she shifted in the chair. Then Leia emerged suddenly, her mind clearly occupied. She checked for any new transmissions and collected several maps before walking over to the table. “Ben, sweetie, you need to eat! You haven’t eaten all day!” Leia crouched down to be at eye level with her son and took the sides of his face in her hands. Rey felt the warmth from her touch seep into her small body. She leaned into it, it comforted her deeply. 

“Honey unfortunately I need to attend to something with Admiral Ackbar, it’s very important.” She looked at him lovingly but also, cautiously, as if choosing her words carefully. “I will be back as soon as I can. Please eat.”  
She stood up and turned to walk away but then spun around on her heel, remembering something. 

“I almost forgot! I have a surprise for you.”

She pulled a book out from in between the maps in her arms and set it down on the table. The cover had worn out completely, the title illegible. But Rey knew instantly what this book was. 

“A sacred Jedi text Benny! Your uncle Luke brought this for you. He knows how much you love reading.” 

Rey felt a twinge of excitement and watched her small hands pull the book towards her. 

“Be good honey, I will see you soon.” 

Rey watched her leave. The disappointment she felt threatened to crush her. 

The Jedi text faded from her hands and she was thrust into a training room in Luke’s Jedi temple. She looked with wonder at the padawans surrounding her and felt relief for a moment until she really looked at them. They all looked at her with a different feeling,: scorn, fear, hatred, distrust, jealousy. She noticed a couple of them whispering to one another, their eyes narrowed towards her. It was clear she had no friend among them. Still so very much alone. She stormed out of the training room, only to be intercepted by Luke himself—

Suddenly, Rey found herself on the ground of the throne room. Her and Kylo’s hands had separated. She looked around and the edges of the throne room started to fade away into the opaqueness of the Falcon. Kylo had disappeared. 

______________________________________________________________

A little over a month had passed since the battle on Crait, all that remained of the Resistance lived in cramped quarters on the Falcon. Rey busied herself with general maintenance work, she had quite the list to attend to for all the years Han and Chewie had patched parts together haphazardly. General maintenance also served as a legitimate excuse to some spend time alone to reflect on her thoughts. And if he decided to show up, her fellow resistance members wouldn’t have a chance to see her speaking into thin air. 

The Force seemed to respect distance for a couple weeks after the door of the Falcon swallowed his face inch by inch from her gaze. But too soon she felt the familiar shift in her surroundings, the earth seemed to suck in a huge breath and held it tight so all she could hear was white noise as she turned to face him. 

They had connected three times since their encounter on Crait. The first time they could only stare at one another, unable to speak. She saw the pain of her rejection in his tensed features, but a small glimmer of hope in his eyes. She tried her best to appear defiant, but most likely just looked resigned. The second time, they still had said nothing. The more time Rey spent on the Falcon, the more she remembered Han, the more furious she became. She only glanced at him, sadness bloomed quickly in her throat and she knew holding his gaze would lead to tears. Just before the connection faded she noticed in her peripheral vision that his gloved hand had stretched out towards her as it did on the Supremacy. 

The third time, had just happened hours previously. She couldn’t hold back her emotions any longer. She hated how he looked with his hand outstretched towards her. He had offered it again as soon as the bond had opened. She could see Han in his face, the resemblance shook her up. She missed him every moment she spent on the Falcon. Forgoing her better judgement and overtaken with anger, questions flew from her mouth. He could never know what it felt like to grow up alone with no encouragement, no warmth, no home to call his own. He seemed so selfish to her in that moment.

She hadn’t expected Kylo’s response, made even more vivid by the touch of their hands. The memories he had shown her devastated her. Her tears flowed freely once the connection had faded completely. She felt extreme loneliness, loneliness quite identical to what she felt for so many days and nights on Jakku. She had never imagined she would feel loneliness like this surrounded by the people who had brought her so much hope. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapt. 2

Kylo Ren gritted his teeth and withdrew his fist from the wall of his chambers. He had dented the metal of the wall. Again. He regretted letting her in, he gave into a moment of weakness, an inkling of pride he felt. He shouldn’t have felt the need to explain himself to her, he didn’t need to defend his decisions to anyone. 

Yet he had revealed his memories to prove to her that he was human. It was similar to the lapse in judgement he had in the interrogation room when he removed his mask to meet her gaze face to face. He couldn’t stand the look she had given him multiple times before, and then again during their third connection. She regarded him as a monster, a creature devoid of human sentiment. She spoke to him from a higher moral ground. 

“I know everything I need to know about you.”

Of course she wasn’t the first to treat him like that, as he had shown her in his memories. When he made himself into Kylo Ren he aimed to become the creature who lived in the minds of his family and his colleagues. They had tried so hard to lead him from the dark, but in the end their control only fueled his transformation. 

So why did he want her to know that part of him was still human? He had worked too hard to fulfill the role he constructed for himself only to throw it away in response to her accusations. 

No. Kylo Ren did not want her to know his humanness, Ben Solo did. 

Another fit of rage washed over him and he slammed his fist into the wall again. He could not let her win. She was unraveling him, piece by piece. Kylo Ren was the only identity he knew that offered him any promise. The idea of returning to Ben Solo would surely bring greater misery, rejection, shame, and failure. 

He pulled his fist away from the wall again and removed the glove covering it. Little pools of blood had clotted up at his knuckles. 

After joining the First Order he had convinced himself that he wanted to be alone more than anything. He had his whole life behind him, during which he had done nothing but disappoint whoever he interacted with. His parents expected more than he could ever give them. His grandfather’s legacy and his uncle’s legacy had weighed him down, he had done everything he could to try and fit the mold. No matter how much he read, how long he practiced with his lightsaber, or how long he meditated, he couldn’t extract a single word of encouragement. 

Snoke had been the first to offer him a significant amount of praise. He craved the attention and also feared it. He had no doubt that Snoke lived in darkness. He represented everything his family had preached against, yet, he remained the only one who looked at him with pride. The only one who spoke to him with any honesty. Ben was more than willing to be seduced if it meant a sliver of emotional support. 

But he continually disappointed Snoke all the same. He seemed to live on the end of both extremes, he had too much darkness in him to return to the light, and too much light in him to fully embrace the dark. 

This imbalance is ultimately what disappointed her. He could never fully become one or the other. But neither could she. She harbored darkness. Surely she could see the error of the two party system. Kylo wondered if she could sense both sides at war within her.

Earlier in the throne room, his memories overwhelmed him and he broke off the connection early. He did not want to face her after reliving so much pain. He felt ashamed of his vulnerability and fury at his willingness to open himself to her.

I want to be alone. 

Kylo forced himself to the ground on his knees to avoid slamming his fist into the chamber wall again. He could lie to himself all he wanted. It wouldn’t change the fact that he couldn’t stand his loneliness and that he found solidarity in his relationship with her. He remembered the look in her eyes that arose again and again as she experienced each memory through his perspective. Understanding. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Rey hoisted herself onto the main floor of the Falcon, feeling satisfied yet another repair. As she began to put the floor panel back in place she felt a warmth approaching her from behind. She heard a pair of doors whoosh open behind her and the warmth seemed to envelop her as Leia emerged. Rey felt drawn to Leia from the beginning, the embrace they shared on D’Qar formed an unmistakeable bond between them. Rey always knew where she was in the ship, the force signaled Leia’s presence with a comforting heat. 

As Rey turned to greet her Kylo’s force memory flashed through her mind. The sides of her cheeks seemed to burn from Leia’s touch and she couldn’t bear the thought of Leia leaving her sight again.

Leia smiled warmly at her, “Rey.” She cocked her head, noticing Ray’s shift in demeanor. “Is something wrong?” 

“No no, of course not! I just got caught off guard is all.” 

Rey’s attempts to sound casual failed miserably, and her laugh sounded more like she had choked on a gulp of green milk. Leia eyed her suspiciously, but did not press her. 

“Rey, I came to find you because I need us to speak privately. I have a favor to ask of you.”

Leia gestured with her head back behind them towards the Falcon’s rear cargo hold and Rey nodded in response. 

The sheer lack of space the Falcon had did not provide any room for privacy. Leia had been forced on more than one occasion to have her confidential meetings in the tight quarters of the rear cargo hold which now held all of the cargo from both holds on the Falcon due to the front cargo hold’s new use as the women’s quarters. Rey and Leia squeezed themselves into a narrow opening between two weapon cases and faced one another. The space between the cases was the size of a small closet, with just enough room for two people to comfortably stand. 

“Now before I ask you this Rey you must know that I will not be offended if you have no interest in this task. What I ask may make you feel uncomfortable and you have every right to deny me.” 

Rey watched her intensely, waiting. 

“The Resistance has lost all of it’s ships and its weaponry, you know that. The Falcon alone will not be enough to combat the First Order, although I know Han would have something to say about that.” Leia gave a small smile. “Luke coming to face The First Order by himself and succeeding has reignited some hope in our allies. Some of them are currently building a new fleet of ships for us in secret, pretending that the ships are for their own militaries. But that will take some time. The First Order has spies everywhere that one can obtain ships and parts. They are monitoring Canto Bight and all the other popularized trade routes. They’re also going to the effort of visiting each planet with a sizable military to look for resistance sympathizers.”

Rey stiffened slightly. She knew where this was headed. Leia noticed her inhibition immediately and decided to get to the point. 

“Rey, I’m sure you have heard of the Battle of Jakku.” 

Rey nodded, “Of course. Only stories.”

“That battle was the Galactic Empire’s last stand against the New Republic. Two of their most powerful star destroyers, the Ravager and the Indicator, still remain on Jakku. From what information Finn has given us, the star destroyers that the First Order build today are not very different from the specs used during the Empire. Obviously now the ships are significantly larger and have higher tech—“

“You want me to scavenge parts from those ships.” 

Leia pursed her lips together before answering, “Yes.” 

Rey stared at her in disbelief, “Scavengers have been looting those ships long before I was born! I have taken things from those ships to sell at the outpost. There couldn’t possibly be any parts left that could be of any use to us!” 

Leia shook her head, “I hear you Rey, but I sincerely doubt there is nothing left. The Galactic Empire had excellent builders. They could predict where the ship would take the most damage and incorporated backup parts hidden deep within the mechanisms. Their star destroyers have enough parts for two, even three ships. Why do you think it is so difficult to destroy one?”

Rey looked at her feet, saying nothing. The cargo hold suddenly had a chill to it. 

“Like I said Rey, you can say no. I completely understand why.” Leia hesitated, seeming to consider her words carefully, “I only ask you because I know you would be the most qualified for this job. If you can retrieve some major parts from those ships, our allies can come get them from Jakku without arousing too much suspicion and our fleet will come together much faster.”

Rey understood. Leia’s plan sounded completely logical, too logical. The First Order would never suspect anything of Jakku. It was a wasteland. No military, no trading, no main city. She hated how much sense it made. 

“If I leave then what will you do? Keep circling space like we have been? What if the First Order finds the Falcon? One shot and you will be obliterated!” Rey felt desperate then for a reason, any reason to stay. “If I am gone while that happens I won’t be able to forgive myself. We need to try and find a base. There has to be a floating rock with no inhabitants or an island where we can get our bearings.” And where I know I can return to you. 

Leia shook her head again, “It is too dangerous for us settle into a base right now. I’ve got a couple locations in mind but I don’t want us to settle down without any defenses. We would be sitting porgs there. Once the ships are complete we will send our most inconspicuous soldiers out to retrieve some of the ships over an extended period of time. Even though these planets claim to be allies of the resistance, there is still room for betrayal. We can’t let anyone know where our base will be until the time is right.” 

Leia offered a small smile and brought her hands to Rey’s shoulders, squeezing them tightly. “We need to be very patient. We have suffered so many losses, we need to lay low for now. I hate asking you to do this, but if you accept it, you must know that it will help us move forward so much faster.”

Rey felt her throat tighten. She knew she couldn’t refuse. 

“I will go.”

Relief spread over Leia’s face, “Thank you Rey.”

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Rey felt numb. After she had agreed to return to Jakku, she barely heard anything else that came from Leia’s lips. She would stay on Jakku for two weeks amidst the two star destroyers and she scavenge what she could. If she found anything of importance she was to report it to Leia immediately and then an ally would come pick it up. 

It is only two weeks. Only two weeks. Only two weeks. 

No matter how many times Rey repeated this to herself, she could not calm down. The idea of returning to Jakku alone, even though it was for a resistance mission, frightened her greatly. She couldn’t stand the thought of watching the Falcon fly away, just as her younger self watched what she presumed to be her parents, fly away to never return. 

A loud snort broke through her thoughts and she rolled over to see Connix deep in slumber on top of her bedroll a few feet away. Rey eyed her with envy and slowly sat up to look at the rest of the sleeping female resistance fighters. It was the middle of the night and despite the exhaustion that weighed on her mind, Rey could not sleep. She would leave tomorrow for Jakku. She would leave her newfound family, only to be completely alone once agin. 

_It is only two weeks._

She sighed and stood up. A walk around the circular hallway of the Falcon would surely calm her down. She walked over to the door of the cargo hold and opened it, slipping out quietly. 

She rounded the corner into the communal space in the main hold and took a moment to sit down by the dejarik table. The men’s quarters lay just beyond where she sat, a curtain divided the main hold in half to allow some privacy. She looked up and jumped at the sight of the ancient Jedi texts spread across the table top. In her half awake state she hadn’t noticed them before sitting down, they seemed to glare back at her. Finn must have been looking through these and forgot to return them to the drawer. Her eyes fell on the one she hoped she wouldn’t see. 

It looked nearly identical to the copy she saw in Kylo’s force memory, the one in front of her the tiniest bit more worn. Her hands rose to pull it closer to her, and the emotions she felt from the last time she watched hands that didn’t belong to her reach for the same book threatened to swallow her again. 

She thought of Leia walking away from her after their meeting in the rear cargo hold earlier that day. It had felt strangely familiar. 

Suddenly, Rey heard a strange set of noises echo around the corner of the hallway beyond the curtain. Her eyes narrowed and she silently rose from the table and crept over to the curtain, sneaking a peek behind. All the men she saw were fast asleep, even Poe who usually was restless had a faint pool of drool collecting on the pillow of his bedroll. She smiled to herself and glanced over to where Finn set up his bedroll to find it empty. 

More of the same noises broke Rey away from the men’s quarters and directed her gaze down the hallway. She moved along the wall, taking careful and small steps. As she got closer she realized the noises were intakes of breath and muffled sounds. It almost sounded like noises of pain, short and small whimpers and gasps. Rey approached the corner of the hallway and peered around to see Finn facing away from her. Just before she could step out and make a witty remark about staying up so late, she noticed Rose writhing on his opposite side. Finn had pinned Rose’s shoulder against the cool metal of the Falcon with one hand, and his other hand had disappeared up her bed shirt. His head was nestled into her neck, kissing the exposed flesh. One of Rose’s hands was on his back, her fingers gripped the back of his shirt tightly. Her other hand laid over her own mouth to stifle her own noises of pleasure. 

Rey felt rooted to the spot. Her mind screamed at her to run back to the cargo hold, to erase this from her memory and to enter a deep sleep. But her legs refused to move. 

Finn’s hand moved from underneath Rose’s shirt to softly caress her cheek. He lifted his head from her neck and took her lips in his gingerly. Rose embraced him tightly, with her eyes closed. Rey watched as their tongues danced with one another and when they broke apart for a second just to breathe Rose let out a small groan that seemed to provide the fuel to get Rey moving. She backed away as silently as she approached and hurried back to the front cargo hold. 

Once back inside the safety of her bed roll, new and strange feelings washed over her. Ever since Rose recovered from her injuries after Crait, her and Finn had grown closer each day. Rey had initially felt fairly happy for the two of them. Rose could offer a companionship to Finn that Rey could not. Rey knew that Finn held romantic feelings for her and it crushed her that she couldn’t return them. Finn was her first true friend. She trusted him more than anyone else. She could tell immediately that Rose liked Finn and that gave Rey a sense of relief knowing that some pressure was removed from her and Finn’s relationship. But Rey also felt twinges of jealousy at their closeness. Rey’s friendship with Finn had not altered, but his attention was suddenly divided, and the selfish part of Rey wanted all of it back. 

Now, seeing them together like this intensified her jealousy. Rey felt ashamed that she intruded on their not so private moment. She rolled over to face Connix again. It seemed idiotic to her that she felt as though she had lost Finn, but that was how she felt in that moment. Her first friend could not play that same role forever, of course she knew that. Just beyond Connix she spied Rose’s empty bed roll and frowned. She hadn’t even made it to Jakku yet, but the loneliness she felt lying amongst her peers transported her back to her makeshift home in the desert with no company but the stars. 

______________________________________________________________________________


	3. Chapter 3

Rey hastily packed up her belongings before any of the female resistance fighters had awoken. Before she slipped out into the main hold she snuck a glance at Rose who was fast asleep on her bedroll. She eyed her with envy and then sighed sadly, closing the door to the cargo hold behind her.

The main hold was quiet, no men had awoken either. Rey thanked the stars for this. She hated saying goodbye. She knew Leia would explain everything to them later.

She moved towards the cockpit. Leia and Chewie sat there together in a comfortable silence.

As Rey approached she heard Leia voice from the co-pilot's chair, "Rey, are you ready?"

Rey swallowed the lump in her throat, "Yes."

Chewie shifted to look at her and made a low pitched wailing noise, followed by a few short grunts.

"I will be back soon Chewie, don't worry about me." Rey forced herself to smile.

The Wookie suddenly shot up from the pilot's chair and swept her up in a bone crushing embrace. Rey gasped from the pressure but welcomed it all the same. Leia walked past the pair towards the direction of the escape pod.

"Alright Chewie put her down. We need to enter light speed soon if we will get Rey to Jakku during nightfall."

Chewie roared in protest and spun Rey around once before setting her down. Rey checked to make sure she didn't have any broken bones before running to catch up with Leia.

They had planned to drop Rey off during the cover of night on Jakku for even more camouflage. Rey had directed them to coordinates near her old makeshift home in the abandoned AT-AT. She felt the ship lurch into light speed and grimaced.

Leia opened up the escape pod and Rey dropped her satchel and staff in before sliding herself in after. As she began to situate herself she heard hurried footsteps approaching.

"Rey!"

It was Finn. Rey glanced up at him and quickly looked away realizing he was in the same bed clothes that she had seen him in last. Her emotions flared again. This was not a good time.

"What is going on?" Finn yelled. He looked at Leia, extremely confused. "Where is she going!?"

Leia looked at him calmly, "Finn, quiet down. Rey is leaving on a very important mission for the Resistance. She will return in two weeks time."

Finn stepped closer to the escape pod and kneeled down to get a closer look at Rey inside. "Why alone?" Finn asked desperately, "I could go with her! She's not safe by herself!"

"I can take care of myself just fine, thank you," Rey said coldly.

She refused to look at him, knowing how much pain her words had caused him. She didn't care.

Leia stepped in between the two of them. "Finn, go back to the main hold, that's an order. I will explain more later. Right now I don't want anyone else involved with this. Rey has agreed to this mission and it is essential that she completes it alone."

The ship dropped out of hyperspace and Rey held her breath. It was time.

Leia reacted and opened the hatch below the escape pod. Rey closed her eyes and felt the pod drop out into space. She heard Leia's voice in her head as she sped towards the desolate planet.

May the force be with you always, Rey.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rey trudged through the sand towards the AT-AT. Even at night the heat of the desert overwhelmed her. Space always felt cold and humid. She had forgotten about the blaze and dryness of her old home. She fell into her old routine after a long day of scavenging, stopping intermittently to gather stray sticks and debris to make a fire later.

She held her staff in front of her, ready to defend in case she met any squatters inside her shelter. As she drew closer, she noticed that it looked no different than it did months earlier. It felt like she never left.

She entered the AT-AT cautiously. She searched through the force for any life forms, and found none. She dropped her satchel and staff on the dusty ground and searched in the places she remembered leaving kindling. Once she found a bundle she gathered the sticks together that she had collected and made a small fire.

The light from the flames illuminated her old abode and she was instantly overcome with melancholy. Nothing had been touched since she left. The marks she had scratched into the metal of the ancient combat walker seemed to mock her. She looked away from the marks at her tables. The dead flower had completely disintegrated in the cracked vase and the bell had rolled off the table and onto the ground next to a few stray uncleaned mechanical parts. She must have found these on the same day that she met Finn and left on the Falcon.

She ignored her heartache and picked up one of the parts and a spare rag. She felt exhausted, but she knew there was no way she would be able to sleep. She sat down by the fire and began to clean.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Kylo Ren stalked down the hall towards the main command room. He passed several groups of storm troopers and lower command officers who stopped abruptly to salute him as he passed. He smirked to himself, feeling satisfied. It seemed as though he had generated a healthy amount of fear again among the First Order. Ever since he had destroyed his mask and bared his true face to his subordinates, he felt their inhibition towards him take a dramatic decline. He knew what Snoke had said to him was true. He was just a child in a mask. The mask had granted him even easier access to the barbaric parts of himself. But it had also sheltered him by giving him a new face to attach himself to. With the mask he could separate himself from Ben Solo and adopt the identity of the monster he strived to become. He played the role until it became reality.

He hated looking at his own face. Every time he saw his reflection he saw his parents, he saw his past life training as a Jedi, he saw his smooth cheeks and large lips. He looked like a child. This thought tormented him.

Kylo opened the doors to the main command room with a flick of his hand and strode through confidently. Without the mask he willed his cruelty to intensify and guarded himself against any emotion besides rage. He would enter the minds of any indifferent soldiers and if he happened to find any ill nature towards him he would choke them into submission without warning. Sometimes he did it from higher ground so the soldiers would not see where he stood. Other times he would simply confront them personally, his menacing dark stature towering over them was enough to make their white knees quake.

Strangely, the lack of a mask offered him unwarranted attention from female officers aboard. Apparently they found him quite attractive. When he probed their minds he could see what vile things they wanted him to do to them. It disgusted him beyond his comprehension. He soon found that he could convince them to do what he wanted much easier than before.

In the end, it didn't matter. Fear or attraction, he could take advantage of both.

There were only two people who seemed unfazed by his measures. Her. Always her. And the short tempered red headed man that currently faced away from him on the front deck. As he drew closer he noticed Hux stiffening.

"General Hux."

Kylo stood next to him now. He noticed Hux seemed to be biting back a sneer.

"Supreme Leader."

Kylo preferred not to interact with Hux as much as possible but every once in a while he had to check in with the army to keep up appearances.

"The Resistance still hasn't been located. Your men seem to be taking their sweet time."

Hux's nostrils flared and he turned to face him with a haughty swagger.

"Every soldier I have on base is searching the galaxy for that garbage ship!" Hux spat, "The other half of my men are busy sniffing out Resistance sympathizers, monitoring the main trade routes, and visiting any spare rock they find in hopes of discovering their new base! It is only a matter of time, the Resistance is running from us like a wounded animal with its tail between its legs."

Kylo let Hux's statements linger in the air for a moment before responding, "Did it ever occur to you that the Resistance is smart enough to avoid the popular trade routes? Also there's no way they would settle down into a base at this point. They are too fragile, they have no artillery, no ships. They will fly around and hide for as long as they have to. It is pointless for your men to search on this scale. You are wasting time and resources."

Hux blanched at his words before a white hot fury overtook him, "Then what do you propose we do? Just sit around and watch the time passing? If we have a chance to catch the Resistance while they are weakened like this we can destroy them with one shot! This ridiculous war will be over!"

Kylo shook his head, "You will not find them like this. You underestimate their abilities to conceal themselves." He turned to face Hux who was bristling with anger, nothing out of the ordinary. "It seems much more productive to me to put your men through additional rounds of training— both mental and physical."

"More training?!" Hux face had splotches of red covering it now. The veins in his neck popped out distastefully. "My men have been trained since birth, they are prepared for any and every combat situation!"

"Oh really? Then perhaps you can explain to me why your highly trained men were unable to stop a minuscule Resistance fleet from destroying The Supremacy and a significant amount of TIE fighters?"

Hux was unable to respond. Kylo thought he might faint from all of his pent up energy.

"Not to mention Captain Phasma's death by one of your own. Was he not trained from birth as well?"

Hux stepped closer to Kylo, leaning in so he could speak without being overheard.

"FN-2187 was an anomaly."

Kylo looked at him smugly. "Where there is one, there are bound to be others. Call your men back. Another round of training is in order. The Resistance will come out when the time is right."

He turned on his heel to leave Hux alone in his contempt. He wasn't just trying to push Hux's buttons, he sincerely thought his plan was terrible. Hux also acted completely of his own accord, which concerned Kylo greatly. He needed the army on his side if he ever wanted peace after the war. Only a thin line of trust existed between him and Hux. He could only choke him with the Force so many times to assert his dominance. Kylo felt certain that the army would sooner bow to Hux than they would to him if given the choice.

He ran a gloved hand through his hair and sighed. He was growing tired of being patient also. The Resistance lived. Small and insignificant, yes, but still alive. He knew that Luke's appearance on Crait most likely garnered even more support for his enemies that he wasn't aware of.

Kylo stepped onto the viewing deck over the main hangar and watched ships return one by one with his arms folded behind his lower back. He began to feel extremely irritated. This war was pointless. Each day that had passed since he made the offer to Rey in Snoke's burning throne room he had tried his best to forget about wanting balance. He chose darkness, he should desire the darkness above anything else. But he could not smother the nagging inside of him that eventually would turn into exasperation. Light and dark did not exist. It was foolish to believe that a being could fully embrace one over the other. The light in him prevented him from killing his mother, and the darkness in Rey granted her blind fits of rage and power to take down her adversaries.

It was because of this dissonance he hadn't fully thought through what action he would take when he finally found the Resistance. He refused to turn to the light, but he also refused to mercilessly destroy what remained of the light. It would just lead to yet another war.

His thoughts wandered to her again, their battle against the Praetorian guards had felt like a dance. They had fought without selfishness, their eyes always on each other. At some points it felt like they shared one body, he could feel her passion. Each enemy she destroyed strengthened her resolve and gave way to even greater ferocity. The foundation that supported her outrage, was their newfound rapport. Their partnership felt harmonious. It was a sigh of relief after so many years of isolation. Kylo had felt all of the same things.

He chewed his bottom lip nervously. He had to somehow convince her to join him. It was the only way.

The force seemed to hear him. The familiar feeling of stepping into a vacuum void of sound and sensation overtook him.

He turned and there she was. He had spent too much time thinking about how he would feel the next time the force connected them. He expected to feel resentment towards her most recent accusations. Anger at himself for wanting another connection with her. Embarrassment for how much he had revealed. Excitement to see her face again and maybe to see more understanding in her eyes. No single feeling stood out to him. He realized he was holding his breath.

She met his gaze steadily from the ground.

He saw the flicker of flame on her skin and narrowed his eyes, "You're not in the Falcon."

Rey blinked at him. It was not a question. He felt her willing herself to keep calm.

He took a step towards her. "Where are you?"

She smiled curtly, "None of your business."

Kylo felt his lip curl in annoyance. He stepped closer, observing her. Seeing her in the firelight reminded him of their connection on Ahch-To, where they touched for the first time. His gaze traveled down her left arm to find the hand that touched his—only to see what looked like a mechanical ship part resting in her palm and in the other hand, a dirty rag.

He stopped himself from voicing his thoughts; the Force seemed to burn the answer in his brain. He had seen her memories that day when he interrogated her. He had felt her grief to be abandoned in such a hopeless place. He had felt her exhaustion from her lack of sleep. Her feelings mirrored what he saw in front of him now. He knew where she was. He couldn't let her know that. He tried to keep the surprise he felt at a minimum, his expression remained an even stony gaze.

He sat down across the fire from her. This felt too familiar. They really were on Ahch-To again, desperately trying to understand the other.

"Well if you have left that worthless ship that means the Resistance has found a new base," He said slowly.

"I'm not telling you anything."

He noticed that she had shimmied the part and rag somewhere else, because her hands were suddenly empty.

His eyes met hers again, "We'll see."

The connection broke suddenly and Kylo found himself sitting in the viewing deck.

_Jakku._


	4. Chapter 4

"Rey is where?"

"Jakku."

Poe sputtered and looked back and forth from Leia to Finn in utter disbelief.

"I sent her there for a specific mission. She is far safer there than on this ship right now."

"Yes… Okay. I just," Poe brow had furrowed and he rubbed his temples, "Why is she there alone? Without a beacon?"

Finn sat very still beside Poe. He had expelled his frustrations earlier after Rey's departure, waking the entire ship with ease.

"Poe. No one knows she is there but us. We have her coordinates, she's not going anywhere else. There's no need for a beacon. We will return for her at the end of her mission."

"But Finn or I could have gone with her—"

Leia gave Poe a hard look. "You or Finn joining her would only draw unnecessary attention. Neither of you are exactly covert. She knows how to keep herself hidden there."

Leia took a deep breath and let it out. She spoke with more gentleness now.

"Sending her away at this time was the best move. We must stop on Kashyyyk soon. Chewie will try to negotiate with the Wookies to join the Resistance. We are also in desperate need of more fuel.

"While we are there only Chewie will leave the Falcon. We are to remain inside until the negotiations have finished. The Wookies were allies in the past, but that doesn't change the fact that the galaxy is on edge looking for us. More importantly, they are looking for her. Having her with us would only put her at a greater risk."

"You could have sent her anywhere else," Finn said coldly. "There are countless other planets with ship graveyards. But now she is back on that hopeless planet alone."

Leia sighed deeply. "I realize the two of you care for her, and you worry. I care for her too." When looked up she wore a small smile. "She is stronger than all of us could possibly comprehend. You have to believe that she can handle this."

"Now," Leia's tone shifted into something more business like, "I implore the two of you to ready the ship for landing— and to trust your General."

Leia turned and left the rear cargo hold. Finn and Poe watched her leave in silence before shifting in the small space to face one another. They knew they both were thinking the same thing.

"Poe. If these next few weeks pass and she's still there I am leaving to get her."

Poe smirked and slapped a hand on Finn's shoulder.

"Not if I beat you to it buddy."

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rey scaled the inside of The Ravager with intent. She occasionally became distracted by smaller pieces that she would have scavenged in the past for portions and had to restrain herself from snatching them. Old habits were hard to break.

Leia had sent her with a list of parts to watch for, specifically parts for shield generators. Apparently even the dated parts from the decaying ships would provide an extra layer of camouflage at a distance from the First Order's tracking. Also the trades on the parts for shield generators had increased in security. Transports did not need shields, only war ships did.

There was a good chance the part hadn't been previously scavenged, the part in it's entirety was far too large and heavy to move with even five able bodies, but Rey could lift it easily with the Force.

Her feet hit the faded durasteel of the eroded platform of the Ravager. The last time she had scavenged from the ship had been over half a year ago. She did not find much success, only three small parts after an entire day of searching. Good for only a quarter portion.

Rey clutched her stomach. She would have to eat soon. Leia had given her three weeks of rations to ensure she would not go hungry. Knowing that she had plenty of food at home to return to made the situation much less depressing.

She approached a wall covered with dented panels. She reached her hand out and with a slight twitch of her wrist one of the panels crunched in on itself at the corners, and Rey cast it to the side and slowly lowered it into the platform. When she looked into the hole she had created she could see a narrow maintenance tunnel amidst thousands of little wires and keyboards. She brought out a small lantern from her satchel and crept further into the ship.

A week had passed since she landed on Jakku, and she had already scavenged what she could from the Indicator: a few parts from a main shield generator that could be repurposed for smaller fighter ships and war transports, several power cells, tractor beam laser projector barrels, and an overwhelming amount of atmosphere ducts. Leia thought it best to make a drop off point where Rey could dump all of the parts and an ally would come to get them. Rey had wanted to protest but knew better. It was common knowledge across the galaxy that she had murdered Supreme Leader Snoke. The bounty the First Order had to offer continued to grow each day that she evaded capture, and Leia believed it was only a matter of time before greediness would overtake even trusted loyalties to the Resistance.

Rey would watch from a distance every couple days as strange ships landed by the pile of parts she had collected. She had seen multiple species come and go, never anyone she recognized.

Her attempts to distract herself from her isolation only succeeded during the day while she was scavenging. She dreaded going back to the AT-AT each night where she knew there was nothing to steal her attention away from her bleak reality. The first couple nights she couldn't sleep at all. The grief she felt from the familiarity of the routine encompassed her and in the hours before dawn she couldn't help but think she had returned to Jakku forever. The Resistance would forget about her. She would be left to once again stare into the blinding sky for a ship that would never come.

It was during those painful nights that she couldn't help but think of her parents. She knew Kylo had not lied to her in the throne room. It was a truth she had always known, but never wanted to face. In that moment, for a brief few seconds he empathized with her despair. She could feel him in her mind, relaying to her how much he understood and allowing her to pour out her sorrow into him. For those few seconds he had listened and he had truly cared. She wondered where her parents were buried, and if she could ever find the forgotten graves.

She advanced through the passageway in the Ravager, drawing closer to what she hoped to find. Then she saw it. The local shield generator sat in front of her, completely untouched. She let out a small cry of excitement before she set to work opening up the passageway. This generator could shield a new rebel command ship. The loss of the Raddus had hit Leia particularly hard, Rey felt happy to potentially bring them one step closer to completing it.

She stepped back from the generator and extended her hand once again, this time balling her fingers to make a fist. She jerked her fist up and the generator detached from the remains of the ship with a loud crack. She stepped backwards through the opening and floated the generator out onto the platform, setting it down with a gentle thud.

She let out a sigh of relief and wiped a bead of sweat at her forehead. She was done for the day.

As she made her way to the drop off point she let her thoughts drift aimlessly to Kylo. She initially felt apprehensive after their most recent encounter. His sudden appearance flustered her; their last meeting had revealed so much more about him—and she hated the compassion she felt. It had to be a scheme of his to make himself more and more vulnerable to her. In the past she had thought this vulnerability was Ben Solo trying to claw his way out from the facade that was Kylo Ren. He had just tried to manipulate her into joining him at the end. Did he really think she could be that easily swayed? Their overwhelmingly confusing and emotional connection transcended her rational thoughts time and time again. The bond she felt with him felt far more powerful than what she felt with Finn or Leia. More powerful than her loyalty to the Resistance. She swallowed nervously. Even so, that didn't mean she was going to drop everything to join him. He had acted selfishly, their partnership was all he needed and he mistakenly assumed it was all she needed as well. She shook her head. She had thought about this too many times.

When he appeared to her suddenly in the AT-AT he had seen her in firelight, it didn't take a genius to know that she had left the Falcon. She realized with a jolt that she had the machine part clasped in her hand and she subtly moved it behind her back while his eyes rested on her face. She blocked off her mind as he attempted to probe into it. Surely he didn't know where she was. He had guarded himself as well, she had no way to read him.

After a few days had passed since their connection Rey forced herself to feel at ease. He would have come already.

She placed the generator and several smaller parts down for pickup and moved to a secluded spot where she could watch her findings be carried away.

Rey looked up into the sky, and then out into the wide expanse of sand that seemed to stretch into infinity. She thought of her parents again. There was no way she could find their graves. The reality of that depressed her. She needed a chance to mourn them so she could attempt to let them go.

Struck by inspiration, she gathered a few rocks that lay around her. She would have to make her own memorial.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Kylo frowned as he approached Jakku. It really was an awful looking planet, even from space. He prepared the transport for landing. He had visited Jakku a handful of times with his father, the memories that flashed through his head made the planet seem even uglier. The Niima Outpost was home to smugglers of all species, and Han Solo never tired of making deals.

He set some coordinates just beyond the outpost and began to descend. When the ship touched ground, the sand seemed to swallow it. Kylo promptly removed his cape and his cowl. He remembered the heat, and he hated it.

He begrudgingly stepped out of the transport into the blaze and waited for his eyes to adjust to the brightness. Late afternoon had set in. He reached out with the force in an attempt to locate her, a familiar internal warmth enveloped him confirming that he had come to the right planet.

Once he had a sense of which direction to go, he went back in the ship and ascended again. He knew it was only a matter of time before she noticed his presence on Jakku. He had to tread carefully.

Hux seemed suspicious of his sudden mysterious trip, but didn't press him. Kylo went to great lengths to ensure the transport wouldn't be tracked. He passed over another sizable dune and he felt the force buzz loudly at the sight of an overturned AT-AT. Judging from the look and wear of it, it came from the Empire. He stopped the ship at once and chose to land in a discreet location where he wouldn't be easily noticed.

He left the ship and trudged through the sand. He was relieved to feel the air had become somewhat cooler, it combatted the growing heat inside of him. He decided to bring his lightsaber with him, not that he planned on using it. She was always the one who attacked first and if he needed to defend himself he would be prepared.

Suddenly he felt a little stupid. He didn't have any specific plan to convince her to join him. He already knew no matter what he said to her here that she would refuse him again. But he had needed to come anyways. He had acted on yet another weakness. He stopped in the sand for a moment to quell his irritation.

She had hesitated on the Supremacy. She had considered it for at least a moment. The seed had been planted. If he could manage to water it there was a chance. A feeling of emptiness washed over him at the memory of her rejection. The wound still hadn't healed. Kylo didn't think it ever would until she decided to take his hand.

He continued to walk. He reached the top of the dune overlooking the AT-AT and he saw her.

She kneeled on the sand in front of two mounds of rocks. With every step he took towards her he felt her anguish growing through their bond. He realized she was mourning her parents. He stopped his advance and watched her.

Her head twitched in his direction. When she saw him she jumped up and he saw her hand immediately clutch at her side for a lightsaber that didn't exist. She had no weapon on her. She looked petrified at the sight of him in the flesh.

"What— where—"

"I'm surprised you didn't feel me coming."

Rey shook her head quickly, he saw the wetness on her face. She had been weeping.

"I was a little occupied." She brushed herself off lightly and rubbed the tears from her cheeks. She regained her composure and stood defiantly. "And what might you be doing here? Where's the rest of your gang?"

Kylo's mouth rolled over on itself before he spoke. "You know why I'm here."

She raised her chin loftily. "Well my answer is still no! What did you expect to hear? You came all this way to hear what you already knew I would say!"

"You're right."

Now she seemed confused. She searched his mind, and he let her. She had to trust that he wouldn't hurt her.

"You saw the part. That's how you found me?"

"Not entirely. You didn't exactly hide your feelings from me. I felt the same feelings in your memories of growing up here." He shrugged, "It was a lucky guess."

"If you knew where I was from the beginning why did it take you so long to come here?"

He cocked his head, "I am the Supreme Leader of the First Order. I had other things to do."

She scoffed and looked away from him. Kylo took a moment to properly look at her. Her hair hung down freely and framed her round face. She was dressed in similar rags that he first met her in, these looked far dirtier. It was obvious she was working hard. Her skin was caked in a layer of dirt that hid her subtle freckles. He traveled down her body and remembered how small she was compared to him. Her delicate hands trembled slightly by her thighs. He looked back at her face, and felt a knot tightening in his stomach.

The darkness had started to fall. He could barely see her. He stepped closer and felt his heart pound faster. Suddenly it made sense why she had come to Jakku.

"The Resistance sent you here to scavenge from the ship graveyard for a new fleet….She sent you away, just as she sent me away."

She locked onto his eyes again. Concern radiated from her as she struggled to keep herself irate. "No. No it's not like that."

"They sent you back to the place of your nightmares— and for what? So they could use you."

"The Resistance is not using me! Leia is not using me! I came here of my own choice! I chose to help them! It was a selfless act. Something I know you wouldn't understand."

"No." Kylo looked at her intensely. The thought of the Resistance—his mother sending her back here infuriated him. "You barely had a choice. You had no desire to return here."

He covered his face with a gloved hand, his frustration growing rapidly. "You know it is pointless. No matter how many parts you scavenge for ships, the ships will get destroyed again and again. The war will drag on forever. You will come back here again and again. Why do you continue to lie to yourself?"

"No you're wrong!" She yelled. "The Resistance is only growing stronger! I came here because we are desperate right now! All of our fleet was destroyed thanks to you!"

Kylo scowled at her and stepped closer. She was within arms reach now, his voice was barely louder than a whisper. "I did what I had to do. The war should have ended that day."

"As long as I'm alive the war will never be over." Her voice had dropped lower to match his, "I know you won't kill me."

Their words lingered in the air around them as they stared at each other disdainfully. Neither of them spoke for what seemed like forever.

Kylo spoke first, with a hardness that rounded each of his words. "The Resistance are not heroes. They murder just as The First Order murders. They are just as ruthless in their attempt to gain power. Neither winning nor losing will save the galaxy. Light cannot exist without darkness. And dark cannot exist without light. So no, I won't kill you. Because that will accomplish nothing. I know you know the truth."

Rey's lips pursed together. He searched her mind quickly before she could block him out.

"You believe me. You agree with me." He reached out to her with a gloved hand. "You can't deny me forever."

She hated him in that moment. She shook her head. "I can't do this right now."

He balled his hand into a fist and slowly let it fall down to his side. He wanted to shake her. He wanted to scream at her. He took a deep breath and willed himself to stay calm.

"This conversation isn't over." He turned from her and walked away. Her eyes remained on him until he disappeared over the dune.


	5. Chapter 5

Rey crouched and squinted into the darkness. she had followed Kylo's footsteps after he departed. She had't felt him leave the planet, so she assumed the fuzzy outline of what looked like a First Order transport ship held him in inside.

She cursed her carelessness. She had acted irresponsibly. She was so used to being alone, she rarely encountered any lifeforms outside of the outpost and the ship graveyard during all the years living on her own. Her sorrow blocked everything else.

She paused and felt an incredible realization fill her. Someone had finally come for her on Jakku.

She felt hot and stupid tears blurring her vision. Him coming didn't matter, he still wanted what she couldn't give him. He had come selfishly to use her to fulfill his own conceited desires. She wiped her eyes forcefully. Her face burned.

What was happening? She whipped around and ran down the dune back towards the AT-AT, trying so hard to hate him. And she did hate him. She hated him for making her feel like this.

She settled down to sleep and she couldn't help but glance at the scratched tally on the wall beside her. She had added to the tally each night only because it felt wrong not to do so. Recording each day reminded her of her own existence. Even if no one ever came back for her, she would never let herself forget that she still remained; living, breathing, hoping.

She reached for the rock she used to scratch into the metal wall and her arm froze in midair. She could feel his presence pulsating through her, not giving her a chance to forget him.

She had banked her identity on her family returning. She had dreamt of the answers they would bring her. What was she now? Many knew her as Rey the Jedi, a beacon of hope for the rebels. She wanted to embrace this. Her life would be so much simpler if she could. It had made her feel even more separated from her peers. They were friendly with her in a reverent way. She was their holy mother, and she was treated as if she existed in a heaven that they could only dream of entering. Conversations were no longer casual. She was used as a figurehead in a larger system. War meant politics, something Leia was well versed in. She hadn't felt used by Leia in the slightest but she also didn't feel like she acted of her own accord. The cause was greater than herself. Whenever her thoughts strayed to her own feelings of doubt and self interest she felt guilty. These thoughts betrayed the Resistance, and more importantly, they betrayed this new identity that she knew did not belong to her.

Her arm still remained suspended in the air. She looked at it and considered the rock in her hand for a moment before letting her arm fall down to her side. She tossed the rock on the ground and turned over, succumbing to sleep.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She entered the ruins of The Ravager and saw that he was waiting for her. He sat in a dark corner on the platform of the flight deck cross legged. He looked up at her, watching intensely.

Of course, she had known he would be there, he had sat in the same spot the last two days and watched her work. Neither of them lad said anything, and Rey was determined to keep it that way. He couldn't stay on Jakku forever. She continued with her scavenging as if he wasn't there. She still had a job to do, and she wasn't about to let him distract her.

She marched past him without a word and began to unpack her tools. She could feel his gaze boring into her back.

She crossed the ruined flight deck towards where she had found the shield generator a few days before. She found atmosphere ducts close to the main shield generator in The Indictor, so she hoped to find some here as well.

She crumpled another panel with the force, removing it easily, and entered the innards of the ship.

Another day passed with him watching her. The longer he stayed silent, the more agitated Rey felt. She had planned on ignoring him, but she had also planned on him making some sort of advance on her again, similar to the one he made the first night he arrived. She was used to a Kylo that acted out when he didn't get what he wanted. She half expected him to get up at some point to slash at one of the walls with his lightsaber. But he just continued to sit there. He seemed like he had entered a meditative state. He did not eat. He did not switch positions.

Rey was also not used to someone watching her work, let alone exist around her on Jakku. Knowing that someone was there, where usually no one would be, nagged at her. And it wasn't just someone, it was him. Someone that understood strange aspects of her that she didn't grasp fully.

She looked down at him, meeting his eyes for the first time since the night he arrived.

Suddenly the silence felt wrong. She felt her curiosity getting the better of her. He had been silent for so long, would it be Kylo that spoke to her or Ben? Or neither of the two? Would he even speak at all? The words in her throat that she had swallowed back for days finally tumbled out, "So this is your plan? You're just going to sit and wait in the hopes that I will change my mind?"

He gazed up at her. "I don't have a plan."

His voice sounded the same as it sounded a few nights previously. Steady and deep. Somewhere in between the two men. She scowled at him. "You're toying with me."

The smallest smirk came to his lips, "If that's what you think."

Rey felt her cheeks grow hot and she quickly busied herself with gathering the parts she found. She was frustrated already, and they hadn't even spoken more than two sentences to one another. She sent down the parts with the force and then followed by descending on her rope.

Once she set foot on the platform again, she turned to see he was still smirking at her.

"Really. What's your game here?"

"Kylo shook his head, clearly enjoying her confusion. "No game."

Rey threw her hands up in the air and began to gather the day's parts into a single large pile. "You can't just stay here forever!"

"And you can't deny me forever. I have seen your mind. With each passing day you gain more insight. You are drifting away from the path that others have set for you and learning more about who you actually want to become."

Rey froze. He stood up and walked towards her, stopping only a few feet away.

"We both know what we saw Rey. On Ahch-to. I saw you with me. You saw me with you."

This was it. She had expected this days ago, and she was prepared for the argument. He was so close. She wanted to run but again, like many times when she found herself with him, her legs wouldn't move. She shook her head steadily.

"I saw you standing with me," she said softly, "We were on the same side. If what I saw was true you will come to fight with the Resistance."

"And if what I saw was true you will stand with me. The Resistance has nothing to do with it. Neither does The First Order."

"Ben."

"Stop calling me that."

"It's your true name!"

"I won't ever be what you expect of that name," he said quietly.

The pain that she had so clearly felt when he shared his memories with her in the throne room rushed back to her. She was suddenly filled again with that same intense anguish and compassion.

Rey saw Han's face in her mind then. She didn't see the Han she knew, she saw the Han she had tried to forget. The father who looked at his son with an indifference that cut deeply. She wasn't entirely sure if he was sharing this vision with her again, or if her own mind had brought it forward.

"I—" Her voice crawled out from the back of her throat, breaking under the weight of what she felt. "I don't expect anything of your name. I expect you to move forward. It's a name riddled with pain from your past, and that's why you hate it. Getting rid of the name and adorning a new one cannot erase what has happened! You told me I needed to let the past die to move forward—that's not how it works—"

Rey couldn't continue, she wracked with sobs. Her parents graves lived fresh in her mind. She had tried to let them die behind her without mourning, but it was impossible.

Touches of grief rang through their bond on both sides. She could feel him taking great effort to repress the choking sadness and regret that came to him from the truth of her words. His voice in her head softer than he could ever audibly utter.

_It's too painful._

She nodded weakly at the ground. She had managed to marginally crack his composure. The immense regret from the patricide started to seep out. Maybe it was only a half step forward, but she felt the force swell around her as if to congratulate her on the small victory.

Kylo seemed to notice the sudden shift also and dared to move closer to her, lifting his arm as he advanced.

She felt a weight on her shoulder, his gloved fingers pressed into her skin lightly.

When she looked up in surprise she saw that he looked just as surprised by his action as she did. After a moment his shock ebbed away into a rich intensity that made her shudder.

"Rey… I need you."

Neither of them moved for a few moments. She expected to feel frightened by his closeness but she did not. Only a burning eagerness welled deeply within her. The last man who had touched her this gently was Finn, and she had felt none of the things she felt in this moment. The thought of him and Rose curled against one another in the Falcon flashed through her mind. The sight of them together caused a strange and uncomfortable tautness below her waist that was identical to what she felt now. It was a foreign sensation that she had never felt at a close proximity with another body.

At the Niima Outpost she had evaded abduction multiple times, but not before several creatures held her still and forced themselves upon her before she could squirm away. Their mouths would meet hers with disgusting wetness. It felt like nothing but pressure on her skin. Their hands running over her clothed body felt invasive and sickening. She always managed to escape before it went beyond that. As a result, she believed touch was something to be feared. So when Finn had first taken her hand she felt confused by the lack of revulsion she felt. The first time she hugged Finn she had startled herself. She didn't know why she was doing it, but it had just felt right in spite of her history. She looked up at Kylo's lips and felt a similar push.

She moved her hands to the sides of his head and brought it down to meet hers. Their lips brushed together for a brief second. The flood of desire she felt was too strong, too encompassing. She shoved him away with the force, causing him to slide back from her on the platform. He looked stunned, his hand lingered over his mouth where hers had just been moments before.

Kylo collected himself somewhat quickly and advanced towards her, "Rey—"

"No!" She threw out her hand in front of her, stopping him in his tracks. "No. This can't happen. I made a mistake."

"It can happen." He had a wild look about him. "This bond between us. Rey. It's only growing stronger. The force is pushing us together. I know you could feel it just now, we felt the same thing."

Rey shook her head violently and her legs finally moved beneath her. She darted across the platform and into the passageway where she found the generator days earlier. The final rays of light from the day had nearly sunk beneath the horizon, casting little light into the depth of the eroding star destroyer. The tautness in her stomach morphed into a small panic that hit her in waves. She mistakenly thought the reactions would quell by distancing herself from him. She leaned back into the bundles of wires and control panels covering the walls.

He came into view and looked into passageway, a pained and desperate look on his face.

She stared at his body in the opening. Her heart pounded faster. This was when she would tell him to turn around. To scream at him to leave the planet. But the words never came. Instead, she heard her voice, loud and clear in her mind.

_I need you here, now._

He bent down slowly and crept inside. He stopped in front of her, only half his face visible in the fading light. She felt him take her hand and squeeze it gently. His other hand rose to cup her face. She felt everything at once. He had removed both gloves, the touch of both his hands on her skin was too much to bear. A low, pleasant humming filled her ears, and the pressure in her abdomen felt close to bursting. She opened her eyes to see him feeling everything she did.

He brought them together, his hands holding both sides of her face. His lips met hers hungrily and sloppily. Each kiss drove her deeper into the machinery and soon she was completely flush against him. Kylo tensed up at the full contact and pulled away slightly to look at her. He looked terrified but determined. The look on his face caused her to burn beneath him.

His hands moved to clutch her waist and Rey's breath hitched at the rapid recall of memory. Finn's hand disappearing up Rose's bed shirt, the odd noises that seemed to escape her when he touched her there. Rey needed to know what it felt like.

She brought his hands to the hem of her tunic and slipped his fingers underneath. The initial contact sent a rush of pleasure over her that drew a small whimper from somewhere deep inside her body, and she instinctively slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle the bizarre noise. His fingers trembled on her as he slowly started to explore her torso beneath her tunic. The pads of his fingers traced her skin delicately, as if he pressed too hard she would disappear in his arms.

"Move your hand." He told her hoarsely.

She removed her palm from her face and he moved in to kiss her again, enveloping her in softness. He was timid and cautious in his movements, though Rey felt he didn't want to be.

When she dared to open her eyes she caught glimpses of him in the soft light of the evening, the paleness of his skin, the scar she gave him cascading down his cheek, the waves and small tangles in his black hair.

When they broke apart to catch their breath, Kylo pried himself away from her. He slid his fingers along the curves of her waist before they left her body. He turned away and covered his face with his hands.

The force purred between them, it was a rumbling noise so loud it banished the ability to think any coherent thoughts.

When he looked at her again, Rey was panting heavily. An apparent wetness had pooled between her thighs, a bodily reaction she had also felt in the outpost. She wrongly assumed back then that it was a side effect of fear.

She wanted him on her again but she also needed him to leave. A silent understanding passed between them. This was it for now.

Kylo swallowed nervously and ran a hand through his hair. He slipped his gloves back on and backed out of the passageway.

Rey waited until she felt his presence leave the ship graveyard and sank down to her knees, letting her tears flow once more.


	6. Chapter 6

Kylo ripped the gloves from his trembling hands and knotted his fingers in his hair to prevent him from causing damage to the transport. He paced through the ship, swearing repeatedly in an attempt to calm himself down.

It was near impossible to think of anything besides Rey and how her body had felt in his hands.

He took a slow and shuddering breath. She had initiated contact with him again. This was not what he expected at all. What in the galaxy could have caused her to do such a thing? When he pushed into her mind after she had ran into the maintenance passageway he felt a similar desire emanating from her as he felt from some of his female subordinates. Though her desire didn't revolt him—it excited him. And that is what scared him the most.

Both Luke and Snoke lectured against attachment. It was a severe faux pas for a jedi, it was Darth Vader's downfall. It was a useless distraction from his carefully measured practice. He had denied himself of his budding arousal more times than he could count. The female padawans at Luke's temple had caught his eye during his youth, and the First Order had plenty of female officers that weren't horrible to look at. Any time he caught his mind wandering, he threw himself into training or he unceremoniously wrecked a wall with his saber—anything to eliminate the truth that lay just below the surface.

He was just a man.

And now, in the transport, he felt the physical reminder of his attachment painfully betraying him in his trousers.

He had successfully managed to ignore his attraction to her until this night. As long as he kept his distance, they could share a dutiful and efficient partnership. But the force would not be so kind.

Kylo sat down on a cot in the transport bunk area with his head in his hands, trying to will away his yearning. The exchange didn't seem real in retrospect. He looked down at his hands, free from their leather casings. His palms were sweating. His palms rarely ever sweat. Perhaps he just dreamt it.

He remembered watching Rey climb down the eroding wall of the Ravager earlier that day. She had a lifetime to practice these movements. She made scavenging look like a graceful dance that he had paid to watch. He couldn't look away.

Another rush of desire slapped him in the face. No, it definitely wasn't a dream. For that moment, she wanted him like he wanted her.

He had forced himself to walk away from her. He wanted to consume her. His body reacted before his mind could catch up. He came to Jakku to try and convince her with rationale, to gain a small and significant advantage in their ongoing back and forth. Did this push them forwards or backwards? Maybe he had failed the mission, maybe he hadn't. Maybe he should just march right back to her so they could finish their conversation.

He shuddered at that thought. Then promptly cursed himself for thinking such brash things. It still didn't prevent his mind from wandering back to the feel of the supple skin on her torso, warm and soft on his fingertips. When he found the curve of her waist something thick and primal birthed inside of him. He wanted to grip her there, and lift her body up to meet his height so he could drink her in deeper. That was precisely the moment he drew back, he felt her fear reflected in his own.

_It was a mistake._

Kylo's hands tightened into white knuckled fists in his lap. This would all be gone by tomorrow. She had said it herself. The contact in the Ravager was a mistake. She would wake up tomorrow morning and come to this conclusion. Her fear would turn to loathing, like it had all those times in the past. How could she ever want him in this way long term? It was too late for him to experience pleasure like this— especially with her.

But the force, the force had _purred_ between them during their intimacy.

At once Kylo sprang up from the cot and hurled himself towards the nearest wall of the transport and punched it repeatedly. When blood started to drain from his knuckles he ignited his saber and swiftly slashed scars into the dents he had made as though he was trying to erase them. Fresh pain radiated from his hand as he slumped back down onto the cot exhausted and relieved to feel something certain amidst all the emotional upheaval. He had begun to punch walls for this reason, the pain was a constant and familiar feeling that helped him ignore everything else.

Suddenly exhausted Kylo fell back onto the cot. Just before surrendering to sleep he decided that tomorrow he would leave Jakku, and forget about what happened between them on the disgustingly sweltering planet.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rey awoke with a start and was met with a dull ache that spread all through her body. She looked around to find herself flat on her back in the maintenance tunnel of the Ravager. Her confusion ebbed away quickly as the events of the previous night returned to her. She sat up abruptly, groaning as her tight muscles pulsed unpleasantly. The dim light of the morning streamed into the passageway, looking nearly identical to how it did when he was next to her hours before.

Muttering expletives under her breath, Rey stood up and entered into the daylight. When she reached out with the force she felt him on Jakku a short distance away. Most likely in the transport. It felt like something had balled itself up inside of her chest and restricted her breathing. She wanted to vomit.

The pile of parts glared at her from where she left them the day before, and next to it, her satchel and staff. She had forgotten to take the parts to the drop off point yesterday because of a certain distraction that she was trying really hard not to think about. Shame hit her at the sight. She had one job while she was here and she had completely neglected it last night. She hastily gathered her belongings and lifted the parts easily with the force.

The Resistance would return for her today. The thought should have elated her, but she wasn't sure how she could face any of her friends after what she had done. With Kylo still on Jakku, she had no idea what he would do at the sight of the Falcon. There was no way to warn her fellow rebels of the potential danger, a severe botch in the plan that Leia wouldn't usually overlook. She trudged to the AT-AT numbly. Whatever feelings she had beneath her conscious mind, she wasn't ready to face them. She swallowed forcefully, trying to dispel the torrent of sentiment that brewed inside of her.

As if on cue, she felt the bond open and he was there in front of her. He was clearly occupied with something, because his back was turned and he was bent over. His cowl draped over his shoulders and she felt his apprehension. He knew she stood behind him.

"You're leaving."

He stiffened at the sound of her voice.

He said nothing for a few moments, continuing to tinker with whatever he was working on. Then he stood up, Rey saw him rubbing his thumbs into the palms of his hands. "I'm done chasing after you," he said. He turned to face her with excruciating slowness. The tightness in his jaw slackened visibly when he met her eyes.

She could only stare at him. Was he really not going to address what had happened between them? Her traitorous body had already started to react at the sight of him. She felt lighter, calmer. Somehow all the guilt just lifted away.

It took her several tries, but she finally found her voice. "I don't believe you."

He leaned towards her, his eyes softening and his voice a low whisper, "Rey, I don't want to leave you here."

Her heart lurched at his sudden change in demeanor. She felt the pull towards him again, and used every ounce of control she had left to deny it.

"The Resistance will come back for me. I am not abandoned here."

He sighed.

"I will wait for you to come to me," he said gently. He leaned back up to his full height and he turned around again to continue with what he was working on.

She bristled with anger, or was it fervor? She hated herself.

"You might be waiting a long time!"

He twisted around to look at her, his form had started to fade as their connection began to fizzle out. The faintest smile graced his lips. "I can be patient."

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Rey!"

Rey found herself buried in the embrace of multiple people. Poe, Finn, then Rose. She responded weakly, not yet ready to have a warm body against her any time soon.

"Long time no see, huh?" Poe grinned at her and despite whatever she was feeling she had to smile back at him. He had an infectious smile.

Rose took her by the shoulders and stared at her warmly. "Rey, we missed you so much, the day to day seemed so different without you."

Behind Rose, Finn nodded. "We couldn't believe you had been sent here." He looked down at the sand grimly, "I fought to get you back here sooner. The thought of you being back here alone—" Finn gestured languidly at the barren landscape surrounding them, "I couldn't stand it Rey."

The Falcon had arrived on Jakku exactly two weeks after Rey had been dropped off. Leia had kept her promise. Her reservations about Finn and Rose still lingered within her, but she couldn't help but feel overjoyed at the sight of her friends.

Blinking away the wetness in her eyes she motioned behind her with a tilt of her head towards the ship parts, "When then lets load these onboard so we can get out of here."

They loaded the ship quickly, cracking jokes as they worked. Rey laughed for the first time in what felt like ages. The arching hallways of the Falcon seemed to embrace her as well, she took a moment to lay a hand on the interior of the ship, appreciating the reality of it in her fingers.

A low roar behind her broke her from her trance and she rushed to the cockpit to find the source. Chewie roared triumphantly at her and patted the co-pilots chair.

Rey took a final look at Jakku before assuming her duties. It was her second time leaving the planet, and she felt ready. She knew her parents were gone, she no longer had to scavenge for a way of life, she was no longer alone. She had a community of people who knew her, and wanted her. It would do her no good to linger on her memories here. She resolved then and there, that she would finally let go of Jakku. Let the past die. She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to dispel him from her mind. She had to move forward, whatever that meant.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Before I start this meeting, I would like to extend a warm welcome back to our very own Rey." Leia reached out an arm in Rey's direction and the Resistance cheered merrily. Rey flushed at the praise. Poe clapped a hand on her back and Finn let out a loud whooping noise.

Every remaining resistance member was crammed into the main hold to hear Leia's announcements. Rey was jammed in between Finn and Poe, far closer to them then she preferred.

"Her mission to Jakku provided us with some integral parts that sped along the building process for our new fleet of fighters and command ships. Now, thanks to her, we will begin to receive those new ships tomorrow at a temporary base."

All of the members of the Resistance leaned forward at this, their eyes were trained all Leia, drinking in every word.

Leia stood tall with her hands laced behind her back, "We will have a brief stay on Hoth, a planet that was once home to the Rebel Alliance's Echo Base during the stand against the Galactic Empire."

Excited whispers broke out immediately. Leia continued, "We must tread carefully. I have gotten word from our allies that no imminent threat from the First Order is present on Hoth, but I don't expect it to stay that way."

Her eyes narrowed as she looked at each face in turn, "I am calling it a temporary base because we need to keep moving. We will have our fleet delivered to Hoth and once we have everything we will depart to the next location to regroup."

"It is imperative that each of you keep to yourselves. When our allies come to drop off the ships, don't offer any more information than you have to. For security measures I will be informing all of you where our next location is right before we leave. It is too early to trust anyone else that isn't present in this room."

Rey winced. Next to her Nien Nunb nodded his head thoughtfully.

"In addition to that, I am happy to announce is our rekindled alliance with the Wookies." Leia gestured to a very sheepish looking Chewbacca who stood by her. "We have Chewie to thank for the negotiations."

Cheering and clapping erupted around the room. With a raise of her hand the celebrations quieted at once. Leia grinned out at her troops, "I share in your excitement. Our alliance with them is definitely a victory. For now, we must stay focused. We will arrive on Hoth tomorrow. May the force be with us."

Leia gave a curt nod then stepped over to Chewie and began to speak with him in a hushed tone. The rest of the Resistance broke apart to their stations, chattering eagerly.

Rey made her way to the cockpit as swiftly as she could without drawing unnecessary attention to herself. She had managed to avoid most of the Resistance since she arrived back on the Falcon, a pretty impressive feat considering the lack of space. She had only returned for a day, but already the confined space of the Falcon felt constricting to her. Any question concerning Jakku she politely dodged without arousing suspicion and no conversation lasted longer than five minutes. She had nearly made it to the cockpit when she heard her name spoken by the last person she wanted to see.

"Rey."

Rey reluctantly turned to face Leia's knowing eyes. She gulped. They shared the same shade of deep ebony as his.

"Come with me."

Leia began to walk towards the rear cargo hold and Rey followed her like a dog with its tail between its legs. Once they both squeezed inside something inside of Rey broke. Everything she had tried to ignore swarmed every sense she had. She collapsed in Leia's arms and let herself fully lament.

Leia held her close and rubbed slow circles into her back. She didn't ask any questions or demand any explanation. She didn't have to. Rey clutched onto her sleeves and buried her face into the shoulder of Leia's jacket and vacillated between screaming and weeping, both of which were muffled by the thick walls of the cargo hold.

When her sobs had reduced to a soft intake of breath Leia pushed her back to look into her eyes.

"Rey. You will never go back there. I should have never sent you away."

Leia shook her head softly, "Something that happened there changed you Rey. I can feel it. You don't have to tell me anything in detail, you don't owe me anything of the sort. You don't have to answer what I'm about to ask."

Rey felt her bottom lip quivering in anticipation, her heart started to pound faster.

"Did you see my son?"

Rey stared into her dark brown gaze. The color comforted her, it made her feel an other worldly calm.

"Yes." She whispered.

Something that looked like a mix of relief and concern crossed Leia's features. She seemed to be bracing herself for what she would ask next.

"Is there hope?"

She looked pained, desperate, and above all else: hopeful.

Rey answered with what she knew was true.

"Yes."


	7. Chapter 7

Rey watched as the new command ships and bombers materialized through the overcast sky from her view inside the Echo Base. Each ship was a patchwork of mismatching panels and parts that looked fairly unassuming. If Rey didn't feel absolutely freezing she could have entertained the idea that she stood once again at the Niima Outpost watching smugglers hand built ships sputtering in to trade.

Hoth was absolutely abysmal. From the moment the Falcon broke into the planets' atmosphere, the chill was undeniable. Thankfully, there were plenty of snowsuits and extra layers left in the base to go around from the days of the Alliance. Even with her suit on, it was a cold Rey had never felt before. The winter on Starkiller base paled in comparison. The wind tore at her skin, leaving burns far more painful than any scorching from the desert sun.

Luckily for her, she did not have to venture outside much. She had strict orders to remain deep inside the base to avoid detection during the ship deliveries. Apparently the bounty to locate her had nearly quadrupled from the initial impressive price. And recently, both Finn and Poe had gained bounties as well. R2 displayed the transmission for the whole Resistance to see.

She wasn't the figurehead that had fizzled in front of her in blue light. That Rey seemed to mock her with her three loose buns and desert rags. She held Luke's lightsaber with pride and defiance. The rebels around her cheered in unison at the images of her, Poe, and Finn broadcasted for capture. The more the galaxy knew of the last Jedi, even if it was through the means of a bounty, hope would inherently grow. But hope for what? Rey grimaced.

Luke's words lived at the forefront of her mind. His criticisms of the Jedi that he had held on Ahch-to hadn't entirely made sense at the time, but now that the pressure to uphold the Jedi religion was thrust upon her, Rey found herself beginning to understand. It wasn't possible for her to fully embrace the light, the expectation felt too unrealistic. The Jedi and the Sith must have numbed themselves to the opposing lightness or darkness that lingered inside of them. She found herself drawing on both to complete her tasks, and no longer feeling guilty about doing so.

Did that make her a Jedi then? The apparition in front of her was surely a Jedi. A puritan in every sense. The Rey in front of her could live up the expectation. This Rey could return light to the galaxy… only for darkness to eventually overshadow it once more.

How would the back and forth ever end with the mentality of one over the other? Luke had mentioned both the Jedi an the Sith harnessed the force to fit their agendas. But the Force did not belong to either party. The Force had its own agenda. Kylo brushed across her vision, his low and earnest voice returning to her.

Neither winning nor losing will save the galaxy. Light cannot exist without darkness. And dark cannot exist without light.

Rey groaned. Clearly the force had a specific plan for them no matter how much she tried to deny it. The skin on her stomach seemed to prickle where his fingers had grazed her, a wave of heat coursed through her at the memory— the memory she had been unable to will away. She recalled his fingers hesitant and curious, slowly trailing up to her ribcage, merely inches away from—"

"Oh come on Rey. Staying inside the warm base can't be too excruciating."

Rey jolted to see Finn leaning beside her by the window.

She immediately looked back out into the wintery abyss, hoping Finn wouldn't hear her pounding heart.

"No," she choked out, internally cursing at the sound of her high pitched voice. She cleared her throat, hoping it would steady her tone. "No, it isn't. I just wish I could help in some way instead of hiding in here."

Finn nodded, "Yeah me too." He chuckled softly, "You should see Poe in the other room, he's practically bouncing off the walls. Now he has yet another reason to hate The First Order, the boredom is driving him absolutely mad."

Rey attempted to smile, hoping it would suffice for Finn. It didn't.

"Rey. What happened? Ever since you returned from Jakku—" Finn took in a large breath and let it out. "Well, even before you left, you seem really tense." He leaned in and draped an arm over her shoulder, "You know you can talk to me about anything."

Finn's arm around her sat with a dull weight that was neither comforting or off putting. Rey forced herself to look into Finn's eyes.

"Finn, before I left, I saw something between you and Rose that I shouldn't have."

Finn seemed genuinely confused, so Rey begrudgingly continued, "I saw you two together on the Falcon, the night before I left for Jakku."

She watched the realization dawn on Finn's face and he removed his arm from her shoulder to wring his hands together awkwardly. His cheeks had deepened in color.

"I'm really sorry," She babbled out quickly, "I decided to take a walk because I couldn't sleep and I heard some strange noises and then I saw the both of you and I didn't know what to do. I've just felt a little embarrassed after the fact that's all."

Finn shifted uncomfortably and let out a deep sigh. "Well, I guess it's no longer a secret. Most people know now, or at least they can guess." Finn looked away from her to stare out the window; Chewie was talking animatedly to a few shivering Mon Calamari who had just brought a small collection of X-Wing fighters.

"I didn't want to start something with her right now. Not in the middle of a war. After she crashed into me and nearly died, I couldn't bear the thought of that happening again while I was more attached."

Finn looked back at her, a small but warm grin painting his features. "But you can't help what the heart wants. I'm drawn to her Rey, in ways I don't really understand. It's like she overrules every rational thought I can come up with. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way."

Rey tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat at the solidarity she felt hearing his words. It felt all too familiar.

"I'm so afraid of something happening to her, and I know she feels the same. But even if she dies in this war, I won't regret deciding to be with her." Finn's eyes glistened, a fierce determination sinking into them. "I will always remember how I felt with her, The First Order can never take that away from me."

Rey could only stare back at him in awe, unable to say anything. Luckily she didn't have to.

Poe ran into the room, beaming wildly. "The new X-Wings are here! We gotta go see them, I can't just wait around here like this any longer!" He ceremoniously threw snow suits at Rey and Finn. Poe was already dressed in a snowsuit and clearly ready to go.

"Poe, Leia gave us strict orders to wait here inside the base until all the ship deliveries are completed. If we go out now we might get spotted."

Poe waved a dismissing hand at Finn before donning a head wrap, goggles, and a shawl. With all of the gear on, he was completely unrecognizable.

Finn shook his head. "No Poe, I'm not going. And neither is—wait Rey!"

Rey was already putting on the suit and head wrap. She couldn't just sit with what Finn had just expressed. He cared about Rose, really cared about her. He wanted a relationship with her. And everything he described feeling, Rey understood it a little too well.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"What is it Hux?"

Kylo exited his quarters to fall in step with Hux, who had been calling for him repeatedly over the last hour. Hux looked particularly smug, and jovially took his time explaining.

"One of our spies has a lead on where the Resistance might be hiding, he was stationed on Mon Cala and found a small group of X-Wing fighters leaving the planet to an undisclosed location. He trailed them to the ice planet Hoth, home to the rebel echo base from the days of the Alliance. It seems to add up perfectly."

Hux smirked and swallowed slowly, as if enjoying the last few scraps of an excellent meal. "I feel positive that the Resistance hides there. We will invade Hoth today, this war will finally cease. We have them in our grasp."

Kylo remained silent for a few moments, calculating the information. Everything Hux said did seem to add up. He was not expecting to locate the Resistance this soon, he had a small ounce of hope that Rey would turn to him before another pointless battle. He would have to fight her again. The idea made him feel nauseous. But then, he became aware of what edged just beneath his consciousness.

"You defied my orders General."

Instead of the usual mix of dread and malice that would spread on Hux's face when called out, he looked scornfully pleased.

"Oh? Well, my my I must have forgotten to call some troops out from a couple of planets. I had so many sent out, my mistake." Hux gazed forward, his face scrunched up to avoid barking out laughter.

Kylo bristled with fury, turned immediately and side stepped in front of the ginger haired man, his fingers taking hold of the general's throat. Kylo lifted him off the ground and enjoyed watching Hux croak by his hand.

"You didn't forget," Kylo hissed. "I am the Supreme Leader, you will obey me."

"Th-he S-ss-upreme Leader that I obey was mur-murdered." Hux took a moment to catch what little breath he could, his eyes flashed. "By a traitor and a desert rat."

With all of his strength, Kylo flung Hux across the passageway with the Force. Hux's body hit the steel of the ship wall with a loud thud before he crumpled onto the floor.

Kylo rushed over to him and took Hux's chin in his hand and roughly jerked up his head to meet his gaze.

"I didn't quite catch what you said," Kylo jeered. "Do you want to repeat yourself?"

A drop of blood dribbled out of Hux's mouth and smeared across his cheek. When he coughed, blood splattered onto his hand. He looked up at Kylo with contempt.

"I can see right through you Ren. Do you really take me for that much of a fool?" Hux spoke softly in a malicious whisper.

"I could kill you right now for your disobedience."

"You could. But then my army would kill you. Rumors have already spread throughout the First Order, no one believes a lowly scavenger could fend off Snoke, his band of guards, and you, and escape to tell the tale."

It was exactly what Kylo had expected. He needed time to think, to consider his next moves. But he couldn't remain silent here in front of Hux, it would only confirm the pale man's suspicions.

Kylo growled and began to say something, only to get interrupted by the sound of footsteps approaching. He stood and Hux followed suit, hastily wiping the blood from his face.

An officer approached and gave a hurried salute. "General, we have confirmation of the presence of the Resistance on Hoth. Should I set a course for the planet sir?"

Hux chuckled and folded his hands behind his lower back, puffing his chest out slightly. "Ah, excellent. I think a trip to Hoth is in order don't you, Supreme Leader?"

Kylo glowered at him, wanting nothing more than to beat the expression from his face. He glanced at the officer who had come to deliver the news. He had looked at Hux with unbridled loyalty and awe. Now as he regarded Kylo, sweat had started to form at his brow. Kylo didn't have to look into his mind to find his trepidation. He had no reverence, he stood trembling in his boots. A subordinate's fear usually filled Kylo with confidence, but in this instance he felt nothing but concern. It was obvious this officer (and assumedly all the other high command) did not respect him. He was an entity separate from them, a violent creature prone to outbursts and brutality. Throughout the years Snoke had held enough authority to keep Kylo isolated from the military and in good standing no matter what tantrum he threw. He had murdered his buffer.

Kylo resigned himself the best that he could so he could respond evenly.

"Yes."

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The new fleet of ships, while a bit shabby looking, made Poe's face light up with glee. Or at least, she assumed it lit up underneath the layers of cloth. Rey enjoyed watching his bodily reactions as more and more ships entered the base. They had found a place to crouch along the edge of the main hangar behind some large artillery crates. It was satisfying to watch the completed ships arrive, it confirmed to Rey that her time scavenging wasn't wasted.

After a couple hours had passed Rey couldn't take the frigid air any longer. While the base sheltered them from the freezing wind, they were still exposed to the elements by the open door of the hangar. She got up to leave and felt a tug at her gloved hand.

"Rey, wait a second."

Rey shivered in protest to Poe's request. Poe raised his goggles and tugged down the wraps that shielded his face. "Rey I don't know when this war will end, or if I will even make it out alive." Poe shook his head lightly. His playful demeanor had diminished completely into a serious intensity. He seemed to consider his next words carefully.

"I— If—" Poe stopped mid sentence and huffed out a frustrated breath, "If we make it through this, maybe we can—"

A deafening blast coming from outside the hangar interrupted their brief conversation. Rey watched in horror as the freighter ship from Mon Cala that she had seen earlier went up into flames. The all too familiar screech of TIE fighter ships rung in her ears.

When she looked back down at Poe his shock had quickly morphed into a blazing determination. Questions of how and why could be saved for later. Rey felt her stomach drop into her ankles. It was far too soon for another battle, they had to find a way to evacuate.

Poe was already rushing to commandeer the nearest X-Wing, several other members of the Resistance following suit behind him. Poe yelled, thrusting his arm up into the air.

"Lets give them everything we got!"

**Author's Note:**

> This is my foray back into writing in almost 8 years, and I will admit I have some nerves. I feel so compelled to write about these characters because I relate to them so much. I want to stay as in character as possible. Please let me know what you think!


End file.
